~ Serenity In Daffodils - A Journey From Chaos To Peace ~
Over the years, many people have said that I ought to write a book about my life experiences. I have never considered myself a very good writer, and frankly, I didn't think anyone would care to read about my life and all the crazy things that have happened along the way. Lately I've been inundated with messages from friends asking me to share my experiences with hashimoto's disease, so here I go, in hopes that it will help some of you in your own struggles to find the peace that God intends for us in this life. I am still working on my journey here, so I will give you a brief history and then post updates on my progress as well.
I almost don't know where to begin, but I figure the best place to start is in the beginning, right? Well surely I won't go back 46 years (I'll save that for another post), but I will go back to my late teens as that is where my illness began. I will note here, that I endured quite a bit of trauma as a child. A series of unfortunate events as some would say. I may go back to that later as I know now it did play a role in my illness, but for now I'll keep my hashimoto's in focus here and some of you might see your own symptoms and experiences here in what I write. How all this correlates with a lifetime of stress and unfortunate events beyond our control may be something we all have in common, but I am learning there is a definite connection.
I began having anxiety at the age of 19, and although I had spells of anxiety many times as a child, these anxiety spells seemed a lot different. They were very severe in nature and seemed to last for hours and sometimes half the day, and some for days on end. I really couldn't understand what was happening to me at the time, the only thing I knew was that something was suddenly terribly terribly wrong. I always thought I had handled myself quite well in life regarding stress. After all, I had already endured a great deal, and I was still alive and breathing, so what could go wrong? I was able to go to school, finish school, drive, work, socialize with friends etc. Until one day while driving to work I had a serious panic attack. On a scale of 1 - 10 it was 100 or better. I will never forget it as it impacted my life to epic proportions. Little did I know then what was to come later. So I began my search for a good doctor who I hoped would figure it out.
I went to several family practice doctors, an internist, and even a neurologist at this time. All they could tell me was that it was just my "nerves", they would hand me a prescription for xanax or an antidepressant and send me on my way. As the years passed I struggled very badly with the anxiety as it got progressively worse and worse. I thought the medication was suppose to help? No way, it wasn't helping one bit. As a matter of fact, antidepressants made my anxiety worse! Why? What was happening?
Over the next few years I'm afraid my panic and anxiety had gotten so bad that my family could no longer relate to me. I felt very lonely and desperate to find out what was causing this. Could it be all those traumatic events? Could those events have warped my brain so bad that I could no longer function? Let's try a few phychologist's and psychiatrist's and see. I was in therapy for the next 13 years ripping through all those trauma's, reliving each and every one like it was yesterday......cognitive behavior therapy, biofeedback, meditation, and a litany of literature wouldn't fix me. Why? If this was my problem, all the trauma's, then why wasn't any of these techniques easing any of my symptoms?
I found myself drained of energy, depressed beyond measure, anxious at the very thought of a panic attack, and my circle was getting smaller and smaller. I began to withdraw because nobody understood me or even cared to understand at times, so why bother with people? I just stayed where I knew it was safe, right at home with my children, who were the only one's who could make me smile at that time. There I was all the same, with my severe anxiety and the loneliness that seemed to last an eternity. I had plenty of days where I was able to function quite well, taking my children to the park, planning birthday parties, going to school meetings, plays, band recitals, bake sales, you name it, I was there. Then the bad days would come and take what little energy I had away from me. It seemed a daily struggle for many years just to keep a smile on my face, act happy, even when I was so miserable inside with my anxiety.
It was pretty strange over the next 10 years or so, as I teetered on the edge at times, peaks and valley's of feeling good to not being able to function. Doctor to doctor, and nobody could figure it out. In 2002 I developed a fibroid tumor (non-cancerous) and underwent a hysterectomy. A few months later I was diagnosed hypothyroid as one family care doctor seemed to pick up on something in my bloodwork. She wrote me a prescription for synthroid and told me I would have to take it for the rest of my life. I thought "What?" Could this be my whole problem this whole time after all these years? I asked her specifically if my anxiety had anything to do with my low thyroid function and she said "Yes, sometimes hypothyroid can manifest itself with anxiety." Hmmmm.....very interesting, so you mean it wasn't all those trauma's as a child, I wasn't crazy after all, and it wasn't just my "nerves"? Only time would tell.......as things seemed to go along okay. (My normal anyway, which was peaks and valley's of anxiety and sheer panic, to plenty of days where I seemed okay) Within two months of being diagnosed "hypothyroid" I started experiencing tremendous joint and muscle pain. It got so bad I could barely move most days and just the pain of walking became overwhelming for me. What was I to do? Just add it to the ever growing list of hellish symptoms? It seemed at that time it was all I could do. I was referred to a rheumatologist who diagnosed fibromyalgia. I tried trigger point injections, every NSAID known to medical science, physical therapy, and of course meditation, and nothing made the pain go away. At this point I just figured "Hey, I'm not dead yet, I'm still alive and breathing air every day" so I just made the best of it even though there were plenty of days I felt like just giving up. I knew I had to keep going no matter what obstacles were going to come my way. So I just settled with the fact that now in my early 30's I just had a messed up thyroid and pain. So what? At least I'm not dead. So here's where things get even more interesting.....
Fast forward to November of 2011. I was at home just finishing up dinner when all of the sudden I experienced severe weakness in my arms and legs, my blood pressure shot up sky high (and I've never had a blood pressure problem in my entire life, even with the anxiety, my BP was always low) The ambulance was called as I started having terrible chest pain and nausea. The ER doctors found that my sodium was extremely low as well as my potassium had tanked out creating a cardiac "event". I underwent a stress test that showed no blockages or anything wrong. So why did this happen? Over the next few months it happened 5 more times (the loss of potassium, sodium loss, cardiac events, high BP etc.) So why? I was trucked to the ER 15 times in only a matter of months with my thyroid going from hyper to hypo and I will tell you it was one of the most hellish experiences I've ever had in my entire life. I became bedridden after the first event and stayed that way for the next year while undergoing plenty more major episodes like this. I went from 137 lbs to 108 lbs in only a matter of 8 weeks and I will tell you, that in itself was a huge worry for me. But still, why was this happening?
I do believe my doctor of 15 years just became completely blind to what was going on with me. He would run the same tests over and over again, never really expanding on anything other than my thyroid panel since he already knew I was hypothyroid. I finally gave up with him and moved to a new doctor who spent hours with me going over all my hospital labs, family practice labs, symptoms, medications and a litany of family history. He ordered an ultrasound at that time as I had never had a scan of my thyroid in the 9 years I had been diagnosed hypothyroid. After all, no other doctor had ordered a scan, even the 3 endo's I saw. He also ordered a ton of bloodwork that included a simple vitamin deficiency panel, which my old doctor of 15 years had simply missed. A few days later, the results were in and I received a phone call from the doctor himself. That phone call will forever be stuck in my head as I picked up the phone...."Alicia I have some bad news I'm afraid.....your bloodwork indicates you have autoimmune hashimoto's disease, which is extremely difficult to treat. Your hospital visits indicate you have undergone some thyroid storm events where the antibodies strike the thyroid gland and damage it. I'd like to see your ultrasound results before I go any further here since we are having so much trouble getting your thyroid medications regulated right now. Let's just wait and see what the ultrasound results bring." I hung up the phone and cried for hours, I knew very little about hashimoto's disease at this time so I started researching it at length. What I read frightened me a great deal. How in the world was I ever going to be normal again? Or even halfway normal I wondered. My vitamin D level at this time was 19 (it should be near 100) so he started me on a D2 prescription and D3 over the counter daily at this point as well as a new dessicated thyroid medication called Naturethroid.
It was finally time for my ultrasound. I was anxious that day anticipating the worst. As the technician placed the device on my neck she became quiet for a while and finally asked me "Have you ever had surgery to have your thyroid removed via thyroidectomy?" "No." I said. "Have you ever had radiation to destroy your thyroid or have you ever been hyperactive?" "No." I said. "I've never seen anything like this Miss Hadden, but your thyroid doesn't exist, it's just not there." "WHAT?" "Are you serious?" Where was it I wondered? Had it just vanished into thin air? The technician went on to say, "I've been doing ultrasounds for years and worked in endocrinology for years and although I have heard of this happening, I've never actually SEEN it first hand". Well, all I could do at this point was wait for what my doctor was going to say. I remember leaving that office in total shock knowing that the hashi's had completely destroyed a major gland in my body. What would happen next I wondered.......
My next visit with my doctor revealed that my thyroid storm events had been what doctor's refer to as "end stage" hashimoto's disease, where the hashi antibodies completely destroy the gland. My TPO (hashi) antibodies during the time of my storms was very very high signaling there was an attack going on and it was killing off what was left of the thyroid gland. My doctor says I had gone undiagnosed for a very long period of time, and my hashi's most likely started in my late teens when I started experiencing anxiety as that is one of the first signs of the disease. And also, horrifically, it takes years for hashi's to kill of the thyroid gland and most of the time it is from being under treated for a very long period of time. Hashimoto's can also swing from hypo to hyper several times a day and that is why it is so hard to treat. (and also the reason I just couldn't get my medications right now matter what I tried) So no wonder I had been going through such hell, right? What happened next was even more disturbing......
Since I had been on NDT (Naturethroid) which is considered a natural dessicated thyroid medication, my labs had been coming back very bad. (even on increases of the medication) My free T4 was just completely tanked out and most of the time wouldn't even show up on my labs, but my T3 was barely pushing midrange. (Optimal values are Free T4 midrange, and Free T3 upper 3/4 of the range) so once again I was switched back to synthroid and within days the joint and muscle pain was back full force (my so called "fibromyalgia") and a 24 hour saliva cortisol test showed complete burn out of my adrenals. (which can be a very serious problem, for me, it kept me bedridden for months on end) I was put on an all natural (herbal remedy) for adrenal support, 2,0000mg Vitamin C daily, 1/4 tsp pink Himalayan sea salt twice a day dissolved in water, and a slew of other supplements including 400mg selenium (which is known to lower antibodies) low dose naltrexone "LDN" (also known to lower antibodies) magnesium malate 750mg (in powder form taken sublingually daily), COQ10, D3 5,000iu/day, Citracal, Omega 3 krill oil, and progesterone bioidentical (since my saliva test also revealed my adrenal fatigue sent all my hormone levels to the tank as well)
As you can see, I am still on my journey here to heal my adrenals and finally find some peace with my swinging thyroid labs. I must say that now that my thyroid gland is completely gone, I have had no more swings, but getting my medication stabilized has been a bit of a challenge. Although my labs look great right now.....I am still feeling pretty rotten with my adrenal fatigue issue going on. I'm now on month 2 of treatment and feel no difference as of yet so I will continue to post here on my progress.
I encourage all of you to educate yourselves on hashimoto's disease and adrenal fatigue if you are diagnosed "hypothyroid", and what hashimoto's disease can do to your thyroid gland, your adrenals, your hormone levels, and your general sense of well being. Request a 24 hour cortisol saliva test/hormone testing, ask for the antibody test to check for hashi's (don't just accept a "hypothyroid" diagnosis) and have a full vitamin deficiency panel to determine what you are lacking. I for one can tell you I had no idea any of these things were a problem until I received my labs back showing several serious deficiencies. My plan is to get back on NDT when my adrenals are healed in hopes to level out my thyroid labs and feel better. Since I've been on LDN (low dose naltrexone) I must note here that my antibodies have gone from 1470 to 145 in the past 8 months, and I can only hope for remission. It is my goal.
I cannot express enough how adrenal fatigue can affect your life, whether you have a thyroid condition or not. Stress and trauma do affect adrenal function as I have learned the hard way. It is what kept me bedridden for so long as I was unable to even walk my situation was very severe. The adrenal glands are comprised of two parts--the cortex and
medulla--that produce hormones (chemicals messengers that regulate body
functions). The medulla, or inner part of the adrenal glands, produces
the hormones norepinephrine and epinephrine, which regulate the "fight
or flight" response in the body, the body's reaction to stressful
events. The cortex, the outer portion of the adrenal glands, produces
several hormones that affect blood pressure and blood sugar levels. Because the hormones released from the adrenal glands are so important
to the overall functioning of your body, adrenal disorders can have
serious consequences on your health as the adrenals also regulate thyroid function. Adrenal fatigue can also block thryoid medications and keep T3 from getting into the cells. Disorders that result in decreased
adrenal gland function, such as autoimmune diseases or cancer, can lead
to low blood sugar and heart failure as well. It can also malfunction your fight or flight response causing panic and anxiety to epic proportions.
I can only conclude by my own experience that my traumatic life experiences and stresses have played a major role in my illness over a very long period of time. I believe it all started with my adrenals (the fight or flight response) that has become unbalanced and fire off for unknown reasons unexpectedly and without warning which most doctors will call "Panic Disorder. So it would only seem logical to treat poor adrenal function to relieve these terrible symptoms of anxiety and panic. I have been meditating for many years to relieve the symptoms of my anxiety that seems to go hand in hand with my condition and it has come quite natural for me to take a little mind vacation from time to time to relieve stress and ease my adrenals. I also take medication for my anxiety at this point as it has been severe since my thyroid storm events. I know for a fact that treating my adrenals and using relaxation techniques can only help my issues with this. It took a long while for me to get the hang of meditating, and it was uncomfortable at first since I was always so ramped up and upset at things going on around me and life events that will never leave my mind. But I will never lose faith that my journey has been for a reason. God never puts anything on us that we can't handle, and even though it has been a rough road, I know there is a reason for it, maybe it is to help someone else who may be experiencing something similar, and if so, I hope this helps.
So while I wait and diligently treat my adrenal issue in the meantime, I meditate. I go to a place in my mind when I felt happy and safe, it was long ago as a little girl. My granddaddy would take me out into the terrace where my grandmother had daffodils planted everywhere. That terrace was one of my favorite places and in the Spring it was just so magical to me. My meditations take me back to that terrace, the peace and serenity of the daffodils. I can even smell them! I know that I will always find peace there in that wonderful memory in my mind. A memory that will never be forgotten and brings me a great deal of happiness to visit whenever I like, even if it's only in my mind. Even though I'm not completely out of the woods yet with my condition, I am now at peace with it and understand it clearly to the letter.
My message to you now is take whatever life hands you and know that it's for a reason, good or bad. God has given it to you so you can learn from it, gain wisdom (something that no one can ever take from you is your wisdom) and hopefully you will use it to help others who are struggling.
Peace & Love everyone, until my next post, may God always bless you with life lessons that will bring you the wisdom to truly help someone else.
